ProWomanProLife

Celine Dion comments on her twins, born six weeks ago. Part of what makes “selective reduction” (have you ever heard of such a horrible euphemism?) so terrible is that there are so many women who want children so desperately. She was supposed to have triplets, incidentally, but one didn’t make it:

She also told how she was originally pregnant with three babies, but lost one during the pregnancy. “One little baby decided to step back to help the other two survive. The doctors said to me if there’s something wrong, natures takes it’s course. “I still think of the one who stepped back. I’m sure every woman has the feeling about -the little one that’s not there.”

I wish every woman did have a feeling about the one that’s not there…but that doesn’t appear to be the case.

I’m listening to people call in with their recollections of war on 580 CFRA in Ottawa. One fellow recalls how his father went to war and his mother was home with nine children from age six months to 11 years, eight boys, one girl. He said he remembers his dad today, but he also remembers his mom. Very moving.

When I wrote my piece for the Calgary Herald, I deliberately put the name of the blog Anti-Choice is Anti-Awesome in. It’s the best way to ensure the blog author takes note and responds.

And respond she did.

A couple of small things. She seems to be annoyed I didn’t link to her in the piece. That’s just silly–of course I couldn’t, because the piece was published in print. Interested parties are supposed to go and do what everyone does: Use Google.

She also seems to think I’ve misquoted her. I have not. Someone landed in her clinic who did not want an abortion and made a big fuss about it. That was the sole point. That the blog author made fun of her, that the girl left without having an abortion is entirely irrelevant. She got that far in a process she didn’t want to participate in.

That Anti-Choice is Anti-Awesome disagrees with me is no great surprise. She works in an abortion clinic. Most women do feel some relief around the day of the abortion. That’s the short term effect; it took care of the pregnancy. It made it go away. I bet Anti-Choice is Anti-Awesome gets thank you cards for her work. In the short-term.

That’s the thing about abortion. You feel relief that you didn’t have to have a child with the wrong person, in a wrong relationship, at the wrong time…But in the long term you look back and ask yourself: Was it really so dire? Did I have to kill? My kid would have been X years old today. And that’s where I get the feedback. The questions. The friends lying curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, sobbing for a mistake that can never be undone. And it’s a mistake to have an abortion. It’s a mistake to think that life problems are solved through abortion.

Anti-Choice is Anti-Awesome is 26 years old. She sounds like the type of person I’d like. After all, she’s someone who started up a blog about a topic she believes in. But she could afford to open up the dialogue and listen to the heart of what I wrote. It was something I was hoping people working in clinics would hear, and be aware of, since I fully understand that they are not wanting to do abortions on women who are unsure, or don’t want them. They should be the front lines in diverting women out the door. They should be the front lines of asking the tough questions on whether or not a woman wants to be there. They should be at the front lines of diminishing abortion numbers. I know some who actually want to do this.

No reason, then, to laugh at my article. I wrote it with a good heart, and representing the many women out there who regret their abortions, but only do so in the long term.

The Victorian period is full of canonical literature from women writers. Charlotte Brontë and Jane Austen paved the way for later writers like Virginia Woolf and Katherine Mansfield. And much has been written about the prevalent theme of madness that serves as a common thread to underpin all of these works. The suspicion of the woman as “unstable” and prone to madness is embedded in the bedrock of western culture, through such classics as Medea and continued through early and medieval Christian assumptions that women were more prone to heresy and demonic possession. The later development of the asylum allowed for a more general accusation of mental illness to permeate the fears of women. Michelle Iwen writes:

While women’s proportion of admission did rise modestly above that of men, I believe that it was the nature of confinement that so effected women’s writing enough to perpetuate the concept of the unruly woman unjustly confined which, in turn, helped advance this idea in popular culture and eventually into medical discourse, in a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle. It was this cycle which led to the trope becoming reality in the 19^th century as women internalized this threat because of its unique dangers to what was believed to be their inherent female qualities.

The idea that certain female characteristics need to be bridled has not escaped our contemporary writers, nor has it’s hum faded from the background of women’s lives. I experienced these inherited fears myself when I, like most new mothers, was given my first questionnaire on depression from my family physician. Sleep deprived, with images of Vivienne Eliot in my mind, I filled in the blanks.

As you have recently had a baby, we would like to know how you are feeling. Please UNDERLINE the answer which comes closest to how you have felt IN THE PAST 7 DAYS, not just how you feel today.
I have been able to laugh and see the funny side of things.As much as I always could
Not quite so much now
Definitely not so much now
Not at all  

I have looked forward with enjoyment to things.As much as I ever did
Rather less than I used to
Definitely less than I used to
Hardly at all [...]  

This article brought back the memories of these questionnaires.

An influential medical group says pediatricians should routinely screen new mothers for depression. Depression isn’t just bad for moms: It can also harm their babies.

That’s according to a new American Academy of Pediatrics report published Monday in the journal, Pediatrics. It cites research showing developmental and social delays in babies with depressed mothers.

The academy says that every year more than 400,000 babies are born to depressed women. Estimates say that between 5 per cent and 25 per cent of women develop postpartum depression.

The pediatrics academy says severely depressed women should be referred to experts for treatment.

There’s no simple way to screen women, women having feared being institutionalized for centuries. While we need screening, I would advise extreme caution to physicians who choose to use generalized tools like these questionnaires. Relying on the answers from these tools will not only give inaccurate results, but may put women and their children in danger. Instead, emphasize the commonality of postpartum depression, look for the more obvious signs, and provide accessible counselling to not only the obviously depressed but perhaps to all new mothers. And of course, avoid words like “treatment”.

Since two people have jokingly asked, no, “Andrea” in this column is not me:

Last Saturday I chatted with a young woman I met after a panel discussion I’d participated in. “Andrea” has high ambitions typical of most young women today, but she also looks forward to marriage and a lot of children. She asked what advice I might have for her.

I was stymied, I must admit. She is already 25 years old and in no hurry to settle down, statistically about par for the course. Her career ambitions demand heavy educational investment, but to end up with her big family she should have started yesterday. A woman’s fertility peaks between the ages of 15 and 25. After 30, fertility declines somewhat, and after 35, a lot.

Andrea is a complete anomaly these days. There are certainly millions of women in the world who willingly accept and make room in their hearts for as many children as nature provides. And there are millions of women of ambition pursuing higher education and demanding careers. But there are hardly any women in both camps.

Ah, 25. At the time I had returned from an internship in Europe, was unemployed, looking for work and was in the midst of a relationship breakup that lasted almost as long as the relationship itself. Needless to say, I don’t long to be 25 again.

I never said things like what this “Andrea” has said anyway, though I might agree in principle. I did my Masters degree by accident, yes, by accident, and have generally speaking been nonchalant about “career” (in a meticulous, please, dear God don’t ever let me be fired kind of way). That’s one of life’s great ironies–you think you can control it but you can’t.

I’m not surprised Barbara Kay couldn’t give any advice. Because there’s no micromanaging life, fertility, babies or careers, which is the general opinion of this blog and the main reason why young, early 20s students who get pregnant unexpectedly should be strongly encouraged, indeed, admonished to keep their babies. Because life isn’t actually going to go according to their powerpoint plan anyway, so why not just do the right thing now?

Never miss a chance to express your opinion, so they say. Bottom line, that “Andrea” wasn’t me.

____________________

Véronique adds: As an higher-educated woman with a career and a super-sized family, I feel compelled to have  a whack at this one!

First, she should indeed have started yesterday. At 25, I had three children and a law degree. But more fundamentally, she needs to know that she can have it “all”… but not at the same time. When I hear women ask how they can have an education, a career, a functional marriage and a family, I get the impression that what they really want to know is how they can have all these things concurrently. But the fact is that all these things must be pursued relentlessly to achieve success. As a result, “Andrea” must have vision, patience,  and focused attention. All her decisions — starting at 25 — will be determined by whether or not they “fit” in the bigger plan. And that includes decisions about dating and education.

Secondly, at the risk of sounding like a crusty old goat, she must find Mr. Right. Because to be a working/studying mother of a large family, she will need a partner who is 100% committed to the end game and to the family. But marriage is never a one-way street and she shouldn’t expect her partner to commit to her objectives if she doesn’t commit to his. Teamwork and focus: both spouses have to be pulling in the same direction.

Once you accept that you can’t have it all at the same time, go ahead and have your children young. You will be healthier. They will be healthier. They will have the chance to enjoy their grandparents. And they won’t have to care for aging parents at an age where they should be starting a family and a career. In my case, I cannot say that I have it all yet. I have a solid 15-year marriage. I have half-a-dozen healthy and happy children. I have a house. I am healthy and fit. I have a university education. And finally, I am starting a career. But I make 1/5 of my husband’s salary with more education. And my peers on Parliament Hill are 10 to 15 years younger than me. All in all, I expect that by my 50th birthday — by then my children will be 14, 17, 21, 23, 26 and 27 — I will finally “have it all”.

From the awfully talented Jan Eliot:

Here’s something that will surprise – nay, astound! – Véronique: Mothers who take time “off” to raise their kids tend to get lower wages when they do return to the workforce. We can discuss whether this is fair until we’re blue in the face, the fact remains that mothers who re-enter the workforce after a few years out of it aren’t in the same position, wage-wise, as women who never left.

But then, mothers have children. True, children tend not to help with one’s financial situation, at least not while they’re very young. But maybe there’s more to the work-life balance than a big paycheque?

We wrote about the drop-off window for newborns at a Vancouver hospital. It was inaugurated today. I’m glad there is a place for those babies – where they will be taken care of. But I’m terribly sorry there is a need for it.

See the author’s note, below.

Lynn’s Notes:

There were times when I actually sat down and tried to figure out what I actually accomplished during the day. With so many demands on a Mom’s time, it was hard to account for the hours. I looked forward to evenings when the kids were in bed, so I could work. I looked forward to holidays and weekends, so I could work. Doing a daily comic strip took an amazing amount of time and I needed to be alone when I was writing. I could draw with life going on around me, but the kids soon learned to ask for cookies and ice cream. When I wasn’t able to concentrate. I usually said “yes”!

Isn’t it strange that we call an actual paying job “work” and don’t consider raising children hard work as well. I confess, being a good mom is one of the most challenging JOBS on the planet!!

With back to school came back to work for a friend of a friend. Her mat leave is over and she has really struggled with her return to work. But struggle or not, she’s doing it, because she “doesn’t want to be a housewife.”

Which caused me to ponder: What does that mean? It’s a kind of Betty Friedan type of thing to say. She (the mom returning to work) loved her time with her baby, I’m told. Which is not, incidentally, “time off.” This would have made her a temporary “housewife,” I guess. 

I’ve always thought women should do what they think is best. But when it comes to so many, I see them stamping out their instincts and with it, their desires, in order to pretend they feel AOK when they go back to work fulltime. I wonder why they do it. But it’s not my place to ask or question their personal choice. So I’ll muse about it here, instead, with a kind tone, I hope. I don’t think one decision is more right than the other. This post is about women’s desires, and why they don’t listen to them.

Seems to me that being a strong woman might involve staying home, where the world will tell you that a woman’s strength lies in going back to work. Just one of life’s little contradictions.  

FYI: A fun column about a strong woman who never worked outside the home.