Thanks to a reader, my attention was drawn to this Onion sketch.
But let’s face it: The real victims are the vegetables. No one ever asked them if they chose to be thrown on women’s bodies like that.
Anyhoo: buy a t-shirt?
by 
Because you wouldn’t treat a dog like this?
by
Just to contribute to the silliness, c/o The Arrogant Worms:
Carrot Juice is Murder
Listen up brothers and sisters,
come hear my desperate tale.
I speak of our friends of nature,
trapped in the dirt like a jail.
Vegetables live in oppression,
served on our tables each night.
This killing of veggies is madness,
I say we take up the fight.
Salads are only for murderers,
coleslaw’s a fascist regime.
Don’t think that they don’t have feelings,
just cause a radish can’t scream.
Chorus:
I’ve heard the screams of the vegetables (scream, scream, scream)
Watching their skins being peeled (having their insides revealed)
Grated and steamed with no mercy (burning off calories)
How do you think that feels (bet it hurts really bad)
Carrot juice constitutes murder (and that’s a real crime)
Greenhouses prisons for slaves (let my vegetables go)
It’s time to stop all this gardening (it’s dirty as hell)
Let’s call a spade a spade (is a spade is a spade is a spade)
I saw a man eating celery,
so I beat him black and blue.
If he ever touches a sprout again,
I’ll bite him clean in two.
I’m a political prisoner,
trapped in a windowless cage.
Cause I stopped the slaughter of turnips
by killing five men in a rage
I told the judge when he sentenced me,
This is my finest hour,
I’d kill those farmers again
just to save one more cauliflower
Chorus
How low as people do we dare to stoop,
Making young broccolis bleed in the soup?
Untie your beans, uncage your tomatoes
Let potted plants free, don’t mash that potato!
I’ve heard the screams of the vegetables (scream, scream, scream)
Watching their skins being peeled (fates in the stirfry are sealed)
Grated and steamed with no mercy (you fat gormet slob)
How do you think that feels? (leave them out in the field)
Carrot juice constitutes murder (V8’s genocide)
Greenhouses prisons for slaves (yes, your composts are graves)
It’s time to stop all this gardening (take up macrame)
Let’s call a spade a spade (is a spade, is a spade, is a spade, is a spade…..