Surprising new research finds that always looking on the bright side is not only unhelpful to struggling couples, it can actually damage their relationships even further.
Based on four multi-year studies of more than 900 newlyweds from different parts of the U.S., researchers have concluded that negative processes — placing blame, for example, or being less forgiving — often prove more useful in resolving conflict.
“Popular wisdom . . . suggests people should be optimistic, look at the bright side, bite their tongues, and forgive one another. And that is true — for people in satisfying relationships,” says James McNulty, associate professor of psychology at the University of Tennessee.
“But when we looked at couples facing more serious problems, those thoughts and behaviours appeared to be harmful.”
I don’t find this surprising in the least. False optimism is never a good idea, in marriage or elsewhere.
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Does anyone feel like they are misunderstanding what optimism is, what it means to forgive? Sure, no one should ever overlook abusive or consistently terrible behaviour. But really, this has very, very little to do with optimism (whether or not we consider in the long run that we might prevail over our problems or not) and certainly, little to do with forgiveness. These are complicated and useful life concepts that are difficult to apply. In this study they appear to have made them into frilly and superficial things, like singing in a musical.