A reader sent in a link to her blog today. She is troubled because she can’t forgive her parents–her mom gave her money for an abortion when she was a teenager.
It’s a tough one, this idea of forgiveness. She meanders through her anger and thoughts. But concludes with this:
If I refuse to forgive, if I refuse forgiveness, the pain remains. I’m still in love with the pain. My journey has brought many wonderful and grace-filled things into my life. I’m afraid that if the pain goes, I have no more right to them.
I thought that was an interesting concept: first that she is in love with the pain and second, that releasing herself from the pain by finding forgiveness might mean she no longer can access the good things in her life.
It seems to me that she may have problems with forgiving herself, not just her mother. Oftentimes people cannot forgive others because they cannot forgive themselves. They are exacting and demanding of others, because they are exacting and demanding of themselves.
I used to be like this. Maybe to a certain extent I still am, but as they say recognizing you have a problem is the first step to recovery… I used to be judgemental of others–but only as judgemental as I was of myself. I would wallow in guilt and self-loathing when I made a mistake, because my expectations of myself were perfection.
I was only slowly, slowly released from this attitude over a great deal of time. It took years. But today I can better embrace the imperfections in others because I can accept my own. (How this journey transpired is a faith story and is too long to tell here.)
Anyway, I wish this blogger and post-abortive woman every success on her journey. I think by writing this blog, she is likely already on the road to freedom.
by 
Forgiveness is a toughie. I have noticed in life that those who do not mean much to me, i.e., are mere acquaintances or co-workers, that I am much more willing to forgive the offence. However, I find when it is those who are closest to me who cause me pain, it is much harder to forgive. They seem to be the ones who have the most power to scar, bruise and tear my heart. How do I forgive an alcoholic father who has caused me more tears than laughter? Or a friend who betrays my trust?
I recently watched the movie Invictus. It is about the South African rugby team overcoming great odds to win the World Cup of Rugby in 1995, but the story is also about Nelson Mandela, who was just released from prison. The captain of the rugby team, played by Matt Damon, says this after visiting Mandela’s prison cell, “I was thinking about how you spend 30 years in a tiny cell, and come out ready to forgive the people who put you there.”
It makes me think about how we create our own “prison cells” for those who have hurt us. But, it is up to us to forgive. It is necessary for healing, reconciliation and inner peace. We must choose forgiveness to release not only those who have hurt us, but ourselves. I figure if Mr. Mandela can do it, then there is hope for me.
I can definitely testify to the great strength and valor it takes to forgive someone- especially oneself. Over the past year, I have had to forgive myself and others for things I never even imagined would happen in my life. Nonetheless, the only thing that has healed me is forgiveness. Trusting that God, through Christ, being perfect, chose to forgive humanity for a reason- because it is a strength, and not a weakness. The only person who is affected by my lack of forgiveness is me, and no one but me can decide to change that.
Agreed with both, that forgiveness is a tough path to take. Was sexually absued by a close relative after getting married and unable to say or do anything about it. I blamed myself for what happened. Made me contemplate sucide many years later in life. Sure it was a very long journey to forgive myself and that person. But it was worth the trouble and I am I happy I took that route.
Raji: Thanks for this comment. Takes a lot to “go public” with something like sexual abuse in your past and this surely represents one of if not THE most difficult area in which to attempt to forgive… Thanks for sharing this. Perhaps someday you can write what that journey looked like in the details… how you were able to forgive and what your life looks like today as compared to the time when you contemplated suicide.