Hey, Véronique and Patricia, have you tried this?
In the consensual living model, father doesn’t know best. Neither does mom. Instead, parents and children are equal partners in family life, according to the principles laid out at consensual-living.com.
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Consensual living 101
Core principles
Everyone’s wants and needs are equally valid, regardless of age.
Children can be trusted to know their own minds and bodies.
Punishments and rewards are tools of manipulation, unneeded when family members work as a team.
There is a creative solution that works for everyone.
Each family member has a positive intent and desires harmony.
When all are secure that their needs will be met, they will branch out and help others meet their needs.
I’m no fan of draconian and inflexible discipline. But come on. If families had to live with the ‘equally valid’ wants and needs of every two-year-old, methinks they wouldn’t get anything done at all. Thoughts?
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Andrea adds: My completely adorable little niece sometimes responds with a very strong “I know” as if to put you in your place. My sister and I were laughing over this one day–and concluded that actually, there are some things she doesn’t know–like the other 23 letters of the alphabet, for starters…
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Rebecca says: I hope I’m never trapped on a trans-Atlantic flight beside this kind of family.
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Patricia adds: I was going to blog on this yesterday, but I was too busy validating the needs and wants of my five children simultaneously. Sadly, the end result was my being sedated by the local SWAT team.
Would say more but have to go explain to my youngest why she can’t spend all day, every day watching an endless loop of “The Lonely Goatherd” from our Sound of Music DVD. Or maybe she can, as that particular desire of hers is apparently as valid as my desire, some might even say, need, to go out and get some groceries.
And I think that’s enough said about that particular style of parenting.
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Andrea doesn’t mean to question Patricia’s parenting but what is so wrong with watching part–or all–of the Sound of Music on repeat? What could be wrong with wanting to be a nun, so that you can get kicked out of the abbey, and end up governess for a very handsome sea captain’s children? After a critical moment of harrowing indecision, you leave the captain to go into seclusion, back at the abbey, to ponder your options. Meanwhile, the captain’s girlfriend decides to pack her little bags and go back to Vienna, where she belongs, thereby allowing you to return and face the problem of your illicit relationship with said very handsome captain. No, I’d say there’s nothing wrong with watching too much Sound of Music. Didn’t do me any harm, anyways, says the 32-year-old single gal in the crowd.
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If I knew best when I was growing up, I would have turned out to be one screwed up adult.
You know my 1 1/2 year old thinks he doesn’t need to go to bed at night. He also thinks he needs to push my 5 week old off of my lap when he decides he wants to sit with me. Something tells me it wouldn’t be good for anyone in our house if I let the kids decide what they need.
Can you imagine these kids when they hit adolescence?!
So on further (more serious) reflection, it occurs to me that children are really inherently some of the most selfish people out there. I’m not necessarily faulting them for this, they don’t know any better because they haven’t yet learned to not be selfish yet. But that’s what parents are for, not to affirm selfish beahviour. As they grow and develop, there are things they need to learn that this method will NOT teach them, such as putting others before themselves. Parents are the ones who really have the power to teach this (others can try, of course, but parents will almost always have the strongest influence), and the authority to discipline when they fail (oh, wait, is discipline still allowed these days?). Discipline may not be fun, but it teaches respect for others as well.
I suspect that this parenting style is likely to breed selfish adults who will think it’s okay to respond to everything in terms of feelings, and there’s more to the world than that, and a person can’t properly function in society that way (at least not without a personal therapist in tow).
When such children grow up, they probably become politicians. They always know better, just think of Mayor Miller of Toronto, Dalton McGuinty, Premier of Ontario, and remember Jean Chretien?
This is a newspaper article, you guys. Its not meant to be a serious look at the people’s lifestyle. The author wasn’t concerned about accuracy.
I’ve read some of the books they mention and my experience with trying to practice that way of life is that it takes lots of responsibility on the part of the parent. It isn’t about putting the child first, it is about taking the child’s desire’s seriously. My four year old’s needs and wants are equally valid as mine. He will feel frusturation, anger, etc, if they are ignored, just as I would feel if mine were ignored. That his desires are childish and selfish doesn’t make it less frusturating to him if they are ignored.
That their desires are as valid as ours doesn’t mean we have to ignore our own desires and responsibilities either. For a parent to take a child seriously doesn’t mean bending over backwards to give the child everything they want. It means finding workable solutions when solutions can be found and empathizing when they cannot be found. The parent has to take a tremendous amount of responsibility.
There are so many times when adults act as though they’re the only one’s whose needs count. They act like children should just shut up and obey. Or they give up on the child as a disobedient inconvience and ship the child off to daycare and then school.
In some ways, it fits well with the pro-life viewpoint. Adult’s needs aren’t the only needs. Children are humans too.