Surprisingly few well-designed studies of female age and natural fertility include women born in the 20th century—but those that do tend to paint a more optimistic picture. One study, published in Obstetrics & Gynecology in 2004 and headed by David Dunson (now of Duke University), examined the chances of pregnancy among 770 European women. It found that with sex at least twice a week, 82 percent of 35-to-39-year-old women conceive within a year, compared with 86 percent of 27-to-34-year-olds. (The fertility of women in their late 20s and early 30s was almost identical—news in and of itself.)
Good news, and I agree, under-reported.
Ultimately, though, is this article the other side of the coin for the fear mongering about the rapid decline of female fertility after age 27?
I think I’m trying to live with a different worldview. It is one that relinquishes control over that which we cannot control. For example, I studied German, German history, geo-politics and international affairs with an eye to becoming a diplomat or working in foreign affairs. I thought I might do a PhD examining totalitarianism in Europe. (Holy vague topic, Batman, good thing I didn’t. I would have been one of those “ten years and counting” PhD students.)
My point: What I’m actually doing is arguably the precise opposite of what I wanted to do. I work exclusively in English. I am primarily preoccupied with domestic issues. I did not know the job title of “public policy analyst” existed until after university was complete.
I use this personal example to highlight that we lack control in many areas of life. However, we loooooove the illusion of control.
With something so deeply emotional, intimate and personal as having children, our desire for control is heightened. That’s why unplanned and unwanted pregnancies are so difficult. That’s why longing to be pregnant when you can’t be is so difficult. My sense is that IVF is the flip side of an abortion-friendly culture, even while doing the opposite (creating life instead of ending it).
I say that without judgement of those women who pursue IVF, because I know–trust me, I know–what it feels like to want children. The temptation is there to pull out the Excel sheet and start plotting the points on the graph about how our lives will go. Children by 35, successful career too. Family and professional success. It’s not wrong to desire that. But it is not always under our control.
On Monday, all on one short day, I learned one friend has a cancer diagnosis, another friend got engaged. A low. A high. Neither were controllable.
The pressure is there: I should have a house! People my age are doing X, Y and Z! It is so hard to let go. My personal comfort lies in the dusty Bible on your shelf:
Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.” But as it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil. Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin. (James 4:13-17)
I am trying to live in a manner that shows my life has a purpose and a plan, while at the same time openly acknowledging that I am not the author of said purpose and plan.
Someone sent me the article above and I’ll freely admit it’s what I want to hear. I’ll drink to the notion that women in their mid and even late thirties can have children too. I’ve certainly seen it often enough. But ultimately, I’ll be lifting my glass to this crazy life with all its twists and turns. Not to get too super duper religious in one short blog post, but the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord.
Here ends the sermon.
Yesterday was a rant, today is a sermon. I just never know where my writing will take me.
(Me with a rental car, some five years ago, back when I still believed I had lots of control. Which raises the question of why I chose that car.)
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Faye adds: This really is an interesting, myth-busting piece. Huh:
The data, imperfect as they are, suggest two conclusions. No. 1: fertility declines with age. No. 2, and much more relevant: the vast majority of women in their late 30s will be able to get pregnant on their own. The bottom line for women, in my view, is: plan to have your last child by the time you turn 40. Beyond that, you’re rolling the dice, though they may still come up in your favor. “Fertility is relatively stable until the late 30s, with the inflection point somewhere around 38 or 39,” Steiner told me. “Women in their early 30s can think about years, but in their late 30s, they need to be thinking about months.” That’s also why many experts advise that women older than 35 should see a fertility specialist if they haven’t conceived after six months—particularly if it’s been six months of sex during fertile times.
by 
“But ultimately, I’ll be lifting my glass to this crazy life with all its twists and turns.” With you 100%. Great post!
Thanks, St.Clement Mom!
Sometimes it doesn’t seem that things went as planned – BUT (ever read the book of Jonah? There is around 10 ‘but’s/’insteads’ in this book of plans gone awry and frustrated expectations) from another perspective things seem to be going well!
I couldn’t agree more. Like, I guess, many women of my generation I had spent so many years in mortal fear of what would happen if I didn’t use contraception I assumed that not using it would immediately result in pregnancy.
Which of course did not happen.
Eight years, three pregnancies, one miscarriage and two healthy boys later somewhere along the way I learned you don’t plan your family, you get the family you are given.
Thanks, Nicola. “Family planning” is such a misnomer. I once spoke frankly with an abortion rights advocate, pleasant enough lady, and she, in an unguarded moment, agreed that most pregnancies are unplanned.
I don’t find the findings surprising either. I grew up in a Catholic small town with many families of plus five kids, and many of the younger ones were born when their mothers were over 35. One family had fifteen kids, the youngest of whom was born when the mother was 50. My mother was 37 when she had me and nearly 40 when she had my younger sister.
I think though, that nowadays, many of the 35 and counting crowd are also dealing with the effects of abortion (some multiple) and stds, which may indeed make later pregnancy less easy than even in the recent past. Could be wrong. But it is nice to know that things aren’t as dire as they are sometimes made out to be, if only to make the valid point that putting it off isn’t the greatest idea, if you are in the position (married) to have children earlier.
“With something so deeply emotional, intimate and personal as having children, our desire for control is heightened. That’s why unplanned and unwanted pregnancies are so difficult. That’s why longing to be pregnant when you can’t be is so difficult. My sense is that IVF is the flip side of an abortion-friendly culture, even while doing the opposite (creating life instead of ending it).”
Good insights Andrea, but I hope you’re just being sympathetic when you talk about unplanned and unwanted pregnancies being so difficult. Too much emphasis on that takes away from the gift that they can be. There is so much need to let go of control – when it’s clear that events are beyond our control – and go where things and life take us. An unplanned pregnancy is not the worst things that can happen to anyone, and if we don’t follow those routes presented to us, we sometimes never know what strengths and fortitude we have. We don’t challenge ourselves. Of course we must be sensible, but when life throws us a curve, or we make a decision that is countercultural, like getting married at 19, having children early, or waiting until we are 40 to get married because the right person hasn’t come along yet, we often grow in ways that we didn’t expect. That is the gift of giving up control.
I had my 4th child at 38 and my 5th at 43, but I consider myself blessed. Personally I would suggest that it’s too big a gamble to wait until you’re 35 or 36 to try for a first child unless circumstances dictate it – like meeting the right person at a later age. I know of at least one case where the woman found she was in peri-menopause and could not conceive, and others where people wished they had started earlier so they could have more. Those are the kind of sad surprises we get when we think we have control.
It’s also better to have children earlier because a woman’s eggs will accumulate mutations at an exponential rate after her late teens-early twenties. Some mutations can be good, like increased IQ or health, but many can be harmful as well. Danielle Crittenden recommends getting married and having all of your children first, and then focusing on your career later in life, should you want to have one.
“Women CAN have it all, just not all at once.”
I can readily assure you by personal experience of the absolute fertility of woman at age 40 and beyond. As well as safe delivery. it might have been something to fea a long while ago but not today.
Thank you for your insightful and candid post, Andrea. I have been thinking some similar thoughts. Perhaps it’s one of the signs of growing older that we begin to realize that life is not actually under our control, as many of the things that we dream of or expect when in our 20s are not necessarily happening when we are in our 30s/40s. This is especially a difficult issue for women, because our 20s and 30s are far more important for us in terms of family-building – men can put off creating a family until they are in their 40s or even later, then solve the problem by marrying a younger woman.
As for me, I’ve also realized that balancing family and career is also far more challenging for women, and that’s another way that our expectations may have to adjust over time. In my 20s I never doubted that I would have some very important career as well as a family of course, though I never considered just how I would raise my young children if I were some high-powered career woman: daycare? nanny? Then reality set in and I chose to re-consider my priorities. It would have been nice to “have it all”…but no one really does (even though some women seem to spend a lot of time creating that impression, but with only 24 hours it is just impossible to do everything well).
As a stay-at-home mom for 4 years now, I have heard the “wasted potential” comment several times. One acquaintance actually told my husband, upon learning that I was a Harvard lawyer who was home with the children, “that’s too bad, she could be doing so much good.” I suppose that such people would feel more comfortable with my choices if I placed my career ahead of the needs of my small children, and “leaned in” a la Sheryl Sandberg. But I have been on the corporate ladder, and I have also worked for great nonprofits – and what I’ve learned is that anywhere you are in the working world, you are always replaceable, but you are NOT replaceable to your children. My children are having a fantastic childhood, and while I may not need a Harvard Law Degree to be a mom, but I hope that the fact that I have it and still choose to stay home will inspire other women to recognize that the work of a mother IS valuable and worthy, and that one does NOT have to choose career over family.
As I have commented before. modern women have little to fear about “late” pregnancies. in my considered and experienced opinion. My last partner, at age 41,conceived and carried to term a delightfully healthy little boy with few if any problems. I know of another woman in Canada who did the same thing at age 44.
Thanks, Lea for your thoughts. I tend to agree. And as your kids get older, I’m betting that Harvard law degree will be put to good use as time permits. (What a shame that people actually say that to you through your husband. I’m sorry for that.)