The lovely Stephanie Gray has us rethinking terms this week:
Any woman who has never been pregnant is a mother-to-be. By virtue of our femininity, we women hold within us the potential for biological motherhood, but in the absence of conception, motherhood is a future possibility, not a present reality. “Mother-to-be” speaks of what is to come. “Mother” speaks of what is now. After all, “bride-to-be” indicates a woman isn’t yet a bride. Or, what would we call a student who’s going to be a lawyer one day, but is not one yet? A “lawyer-to-be.” So what would we call a woman who’s going to be a mother one day, but not a mother yet? A “mother-to-be.”
To be clear, then, a pregnant woman is not—I repeat: NOT—a mother-to-be. A pregnant woman is a mother. Birth does not endow motherhood. Fertilization does. When a woman becomes pregnant, her status is permanently changed. Whether her child survives or is miscarried, aborted, or adopted, her status as mother never disappears.
______________________
Andrea adds: I am a supporter of Stephanie and CCBR. That fact that I don’t like this article doesn’t alter that. But I don’t like this article/concept, nor do I find it to be particularly logical. Her main point is that pregnant women are not “mothers-to-be,” but rather, they are mothers. Yes, agreed. It does not follow then that all women are in point of fact, mothers to be. Ice is not water in waiting if it lives in Antarctica, to make an off the cuff comparison. If someone asks me if I’m single and I say, “No! I’m a ‘wife-to-be,'” they might (rightly) think I was off my rocker.
Claiming all women are “mothers-to-be” regardless of what they are right now detracts both from the women who are not mothers, and possibly from mothering itself.
Students of law are not lawyers in waiting. They might flunk out, or decide they prefer another career path. Anything can happen.
This concept might also be considered terribly insensitive to women who are infertile–desperately wanting to be mothers but finding for one reason or another that they can’t be. Who, in that circumstance, wants to be told they actually are a “mother-to-be”? Fan.Tas.Tic.
Finally, we can marvel at the new life created in the embryo, right at conception. We can and we should. We all started there. It’s an amazing miracle. But mothers (and aunties and uncles and good friends and grandparents) long to cradle their newborns in their arms and welcome them into the world. To see them. And we can’t pretend this is a distinction that doesn’t matter.
My two cents. I welcome the thoughts of others.
by 
Way to go Stephanie. Clear thinking is refreshing!
But by Andrea’s reasoning, neither is a child an adult-to-be. He (or she) might die. And yet, while we all, including the child himself, enjoy the child’s childhood, we do want him to grow up. He himself is proud to mark growth. In contrast with the ice that is not yet liquid and may never become liquid, the desired end is maturity and fruit-bearing. Or it should be; in a life-affirming culture it is. In a perfect world it would be.
I would have to admit, though, that every mother-to-be is also either a wife or a wife-to-be. (Every father-to-be is also…) I don’t know whether I agree with that, but I also have never liked to term singleness a “gift” from God.
In my thinking, then, a law student is a lawyer-to-be. And while I never became an engineer, I was once an engineer-to-be.
An engaged couple is a family-to-be. The wedding makes them a family; the addition of children is desirable but not necessary for their status as a family.
I agree with Andrea’s final point. A pregnant woman is an expectant mother because birth makes such a difference practically. In the first three months of pregnancy, especially, miscarriage is possible; often the pregnancy is not made public. While giving birth is not as dangerous and excruciating as it once was (with notable exceptions such as countries in Africa), there is a sudden change that everybody knows about. My wife and I know our daughter’s birthday, but we don’t know her date of conception. It’s my understanding that age in Bible lands in Bible times was measured from birth.
Am I now disagreeing with Stephanie’s main point? I don’t think so. A woman expecting a child is a mother from my standpoint, especially if I don’t know her (e.g. in scientific research), but she might not consider herself a mother yet in the sense that she wants to be a mother, to hold her baby and show it off to others. But maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about and need to read Stephanie’s full article.
Thanks for your thoughts, Jon.
Just one thing: it is false to say that if a woman is not a mother-to-be, then a child is not an adult-to-be.
Every child becomes an adult, God willing. But not every woman becomes a mother, and this is the crux of my point.
Not every woman becomes a mother, God willing? This is not what every woman wants–or would want in a life-affirming culture? Certainly in ancient Israel it was. Motherhood was an honour; it was fulfilment of her purpose. “Eve” means “life.”
Wanting it does not make it so! Neither would I ever wish to return to a time where stigma was placed on women who found they couldn’t have children, as was the case in ancient Israel.
Then why do you use the phrase “God willing” for the child but not for the woman? Are you sure that there are no Peter Pans amongst us? But if the wanting is not the important thing, then neither is a child an adult-to-be. Because of death–imperfection–not every child becomes an adult.
I like the insistence on pregnant women being actual mothers rather than mothers-to-be. But I would think that, for those of us who aren’t moms currently, that we are, technically speaking, “potential mothers” rather than “mothers-to-be”.
Also, just we insist upon what pregnant women are *actually* (and not just on their potential), I prefer to focus on what women are *actually* and not just *potentially* when categorizing or labeling. I am a lot of things potentially but am definitely a woman actually.
What a relief, thank you, Rebecca. Well put. That is it. I am potentially many things, but I am actually right now a sister, a daughter, a friend, an aunt, a policy analyst. I must admit, I would love to be a mother but I can cope with the fact that I’m not, just so long as no one puts salt in the wound by calling me a mother-to-be, which reminds me of what I am not at a time when I have absolutely no certainty this will ever come to pass.