“Once upon a time, I believed I need to support contraception to be against abortion, and that marriage is unrelated to human thriving. Two decades of dating later, a very near miss on having my own family and reams and reams of reading and researching have me opposed to my former self. Did I have bad motivations then, or now? Or did I just have a series of experiences, learn new things and come to new conclusions?”
Read more in the Catholic Register. The Ibbitson column I am responding to can be found here.
by 
Welcome back!
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the reasons that folks aren’t having the family sizes that they want to have, and have come to the rather spurious conclusion that contraception plays into our fears and anxieties about our worthiness and capacity to raise a family. Back when contraception was non-existent or new, folks had families because they had sex, and the sex drive was pretty strong, so babies were born. You dealt with what you were given, and most people considered their children to be blessings.
I had my first child in 2000, and my last child in 2010. I found that there was a significant culture shift in our neck of the woods between the time I had the first two (2000 & 2003) and the last one (2010). For the first two, in my neighbourhood, there was a significant contingent of stay at home moms (and a few dads!) and for the last one people took their given maternity leave but then by far most headed back to work. For the first two, when you talked about surprise babies, you would often get a knowing chuckle and a mention that they had had a surprise as well. I stopped mentioning that my third was a surprise because folks would become uncomfortable and change the subject. It was considered irresponsible to not plan your pregnancy in 2010, in a way that it wasn’t in 2000.
If contraception has become very good at separating sex from babies (which it has) and there is a strong taboo on having unplanned babies (which there seems to be) then we will see fewer and fewer babies born unless there is a significant culture shift. Kids are told in high school that they are not ready for a child (which they probably aren’t). But here’s what doesn’t get discussed. Children make you grow up quickly. They make you get your poop in a group and they make you concretize your priorities. They are a fun way to spend your twenties and thirties.
Contraception isn’t going anywhere, (although those of us who don’t rely on it should maybe tell our stories of how it isn’t necessary) so we’ve got to learn how to get past our hangups that you need to have your entire life in order before having a child. Folks are anxious to ditch the contraception for fear that they aren’t ready. But no one is ever really ready for a baby. You just take the plunge, and do it (preferably with someone that you love with your whole heart) and trust that things will work out. And they usually do.