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Just one night….

January 29, 2009 by Véronique Bergeron 4 Comments

An interesting – if mortifying – article in today’s Citizen. One that hits particularly close to home: our family enforces a strict no-sleepover policy from birth until making your own mortgage/rent payments. Our children are mostly okay with it… except when they’re not. In a nutshell:

“Children kick up a big fuss. Parents need to get more backbone.”

Sleepover invitations start with school. Yes, that’s 4 years old in Ontario. When my older children were young, the no-sleepover policy was mostly based on self-preservation: I didn’t want to feel like I had to return the favor. Plus, who needs a cranky, sleep-deprived 6-year-old? Really. But as my children grew older, my concern moved over to the parenting skills and judgment of my children’s friends’ parents. What do they consider an age-appropriate game? An age-appropriate TV show? An age-appropriate movie? An appropriate age to be left alone in the house while the parents go out? An appropriate way to spend adult time? Do I want to find out the next day, when my child comes home, and tells me that Jimmy’s Dad turns into a screaming drunk after 9 pm? What is the first comment everybody makes when a family turns up dead at the hand of another family member? “They looked so normal!” I don’t trust anybody’s definition of normal but my own, especially where my children’s well-being is concerned.

As my older children crawl into adolescence, the issue of sexual health, morality and behavior comes to the fore. At the age where children are slowly growing discernment skills, hormones come a-kicking and your child’s safety no longer depends on your parenting skills or how well he or she has internalized family values but also on how well their peers have been brought up. In today’s culture of entitlement, there is nothing I trust less. Reading the article mentioned above, I realized that the three parenting dilemmas presented in the introduction were not so many dilemmas but a progression of the first dilemma into adolescence and adulthood. As a parent, where do you draw the line? Notice how the parents featured in the article relate their “decision” to allow sleepovers not so much as a decision but as a progression from one thing to the other. Do I want to leave my child’s sexual health in the expert hands of parents who are cornered into compromise by their teens? Even for one night?

That’s how it works at my house. What about yours?

___________________________

Patricia adds: I don’t  have a general policy against sleep-overs. I just find that very rarely are they a practical fit with my kids’ schedules, my firm belief that no one can deal with life unless they’ve had a good night’s sleep and my general reluctance to have to reciprocate.

It goes without saying that any family my kids is staying with will be one which I know very well. And I feel pretty confident that any of these mothers and fathers would laugh hysterically at the very idea of a co-ed sleepover for 12- or 13-year-olds.

Honestly, this is not exactly rocket science. “The dear little androgynous puppies” all snuggled up in the rec room. Does that really sound like a good idea to anyone?

__________________________

Rebecca says: This hasn’t been an issue yet in our family – nobody is old enough yet to want to sleep away from the parental home. Since the question hasn’t arisen, I haven’t wrestled with it. What I do worry about sometimes are plain old simple playdates. While one devoutly hopes that daytime playdates between elementary school children won’t involve anything remotely like sex, there are lots of other matters in which other kids’ parents might make different judgments than we do. This applies to trivial things, like sugary snacks and whether or not to call adults by their first name, but it also applies to more important issues, like how much TV or video gaming is permitted, what specific shows or games are allowed, and the influence of others in the house, like older siblings, who may behave and speak in ways that you wouldn’t normally want your child to be exposed to.

One doesn’t want to raise hermits, but on the other hand, it is depressing to put a great deal of effort into insulating your child from a particularly noxious trend, only to find out that in ten minutes’ conversation with a classmate, they have learned all about the latest inappropriate TV show/song/gossip or whatever.

Filed Under: All Posts Tagged With: co-ed, Parenting, sexuality, sleepovers

Quote of the day: Bioethics out of the mouths of babes

October 2, 2008 by Véronique Bergeron 1 Comment

My 6 year-old daughter’s grade 2 assignment is to present her family tree. Amongst pictures of assorted siblings, we added an ultrasound picture of Nouveau Bébé at 18 weeks gestation. While rehearsing her presentation, Martha said that there were 5 children in her family, for which she was immediately corrected by her 11-year-old brother who said: “There are six children in our family. Just ask Mom…” At that point, I thought he would say something like “She’s the one carrying that baby 24/7.” But no, you can always count on Kurt to go the extra mile. Instead, he said: “She spends her job thinking about dead people so she knows a family member when she sees one. And there are 6 children in this family.” 

“She spends her job thinking about dead people.” Ahem. No doubt, he was confusing my hobbies — pro-life blogging and getting graduate degrees in bioethics — with my actual day job which involves answering the phone and filing travel claims for other people.

Filed Under: All Posts Tagged With: bioethics, Children, Parenting

Free range parenting continued

May 15, 2008 by Véronique Bergeron Leave a Comment

I’ve been thinking some more about free range parenting particularly as it pertains to safety, or our society’s risk aversion. I think that the extent to which children can be left unsupervised is directly proportional to parents’ ability to count on their neighbors – writ large – to keep her children safe.

My suburban neighbourhood is surrounded by open fields and a small wooded area. Liesl and Kurt, who are responsible for walking Cocker Spaniel twice a day, would love to prowl the open fields but are not allowed… yet. Is this necessary? Probably not. The risk of meeting an ill-intentioned stranger is low but the stakes are high. And more importantly, if my children yelled, would anybody help them? I don’t think so and this is the most frightening thing.

In recent years, two women were murdered by random strangers in the Ottawa area. Ardeth Wood disappeared in August 2003 and Jennifer Teague in September 2005. Some reported the similarities of both cases but omitted an important one: in both cases a witness noticed something amiss, felt uncomfortable about it, figured it was a couple’s dispute and decided to mind their own business. A cyclist saw Ardeth Wood visibly upset being taken toward the forest by Chris Myers. A resident heard Jennifer Teague’s scream as she was abducted at knife’s point by Kevin Davis. Both decided not to get involved. Upsetting as it is, I always wondered if my nausea wasn’t caused by the knowledge that I might have done the same thing in similar circumstances: mind my own business.

My fear is not so much that my children will make unfortunate encounters on the bike paths circling my neighbourhood. But if they did, residents of fancy ravine lots wouldn’t hear them in their sealed, air-conditioned, oasis of splendor. I have lived here for two years and I know one neighbour. I joke that if burglars pulled in my driveway with a delivery truck, they could empty the entire content of my house and nobody would bat an eye. I can drag my kids kicking and screaming through an entire shopping mall without anyone asking if they are okay. “Good!” you tell me? What If I wasn’t their mom?

Filed Under: All Posts Tagged With: Ardeth Wood, Children, Chris Myers, free range kids, Jennifer Teague, Kevin Davis, murder, Ottawa, Parenting, safety

What’s the matter with kids today?

April 15, 2008 by Andrea Mrozek Leave a Comment

Apparently, it’s parents. Raising children might be easier if parents didn’t insist on doing everything for their kids, all the time. Psychologist Karyn Gordon writes about parenting in a new book and says this about kids today:

They’re showing up late, or they want raises quickly and they want things to happen fast and it’s just so different than the boomer culture, and the boomer generation. Many of these young workers are afraid to make their own decisions and need a lot of feedback and “hand-holding” from managers, Gordon said…

I never had that problem. I have instead in my life been chronically fearful of being fired–even from completely unpaid internships. Perhaps Dr. Gordon will address my problems next. She could consider it, anyway. There’s enough there for a volume or two.  

Filed Under: All Posts Tagged With: boomer generation, Dr. Karyn Gordon, Parenting

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