This just in from a pregnant friend. I think this kind of question is very rude in part because it’s so personal. It also annoys me because it reflects the theme of our age, that apparently we can plan EVERYTHING. I’m not sure what to tell her. My best first reply would be “Why do you ask that?” followed up by “Why do you think that is appropriate to ask?”
Have you ever written about people asking pregnant ladies “Was it planned?” Probably half of the people we’ve told have asked me that, and it’s getting infuriating. Not because of how personal that question is but because I’ve thought about it a lot, and the underlying question is really about whether the baby was wanted and is wanted. Either that or asking if we are sexually irresponsible, which I would actually be more okay with than people questioning whether we want our baby.
Any suggestions on how I can respond in a constructive way as this question continues to come up, so that the asker gets it and never asks someone that question again? When I shared the news with a manager in my department today, she actually just asked “Planned?” with an authoritative and loud voice and kind of an intimidating look, which I think has tipped me over the edge.
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How infuriating.
Guttmacher says that half of all pregnancies are unplanned, so, really, it is just as likely that any given pregnancy is planned as it isn’t. I’d be tempted to give the questioner the benefit of the doubt, and wonder if they, themselves had had an unplanned pregnancy, and that is why they are asking.
I think my answer to that would be “Best surprise I ever got!” regardless of whether or not the pregnancy was planned. Mostly for the shock value, but also because the miracle of new life never ceases to astound and amaze me, even when I am feeling rather ambivalent about a pregnancy.
Infuriating and rude, indeed.
When asked by a superior in the workplace, I would think it’s also frightening, as in, “Are you PURPOSELY putting us in a difficult position (maternity leave, etc.)?”
Andrea, I think your suggestion to answer with questions is good. Probing the questioners might help them realize what they’re implying.
While it wouldn’t stand up in a secular context, I appreciate this perspective from a Christian woman. She describes the vast difference between “gift language” and “control language” regarding children. The latter is awfully pervasive now, even in religious circles.
http://heremembersthebarren.com/2011/09/25/gift-language/
I’ve been grappling with these questions for almost 20 years I hope I can provide some insight. My oldest daughter was conceived “out of wedlock”, in fact I didn’t even live in the same city as my boyfriend (now husband), my second was conceived when she was just 5 months, my third was conceived although the I already had a boy and girl, my fourth was just that, my fifth was conceived the year my fourth entered school, my sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth and tenth children (the last one lost at 12 weeks of gestation) changed the tone, now people don’t ask if they were planned but “How many do you want??” as if it was all a big contest.
Anyway, I think that a little bit of self-awareness goes a long way in helping us understand the curiosity. Personally I found that the question was especially hurtful for the pregnancies that were actually unplanned and difficult to accept. Admitting that the hurt came from me and not from a willful desire to hurt on the others’ part went a long way in dealing with the question with equanimity. We often assume motives that are more nefarious than simple curiosity. Having 9 children has taught me that people are curious about everything pregnancy and childbirth. Their curiosity is often expressed awkwardly and inappropriately but it’s still a great opportunity to educate and show people that a loving family can be born in other ways than careful planning. In a way, we are at the front lines of the culture war and front lines are not nice places to be.
Another thing I noticed with the years is that the focus on reproductive choice has made it look like we could always control our family size and timing. That’s what we learn in school and in society. And yet, birth control fails, people change and an abortion may sound good in theory but when it comes to getting one, many women realize that it’s not as clear as they thought it would be. So while we are told that it’s all within our control, unplanned pregnancies are probably one of he most common experiences of womanhood. I think that many people — women and men — ask about unplanned pregnancies as a way to make sense out of it for themselves. It’s not about you, it’s about them. Once I started seeing people as people wanting to learn something as opposed to nosy “judgers” it really made it easier to assume a position of authority rather than passivity and sadness.
To answer your question, I think that if you feel like you are being judged, it’s ok to return the question and ask “Why do you ask?” But it’s also ok to answer “no, but we’re really looking forward to mwetting our little one!”
Secular humanists tend to think that everything must be planned because they believe that the human being is the measure of all things. If you are a Christian, however, might not the question be a good opportunity for evangelism? Yes, of course, the baby was planned! Not only am I married, but God also planned this baby’s life. See Psalm 139, especially verses 13 through 18.