I always find Kay Hymowitz interesting, even as I say yikes–the dating scene is not that bad.
Here’s the thing: I think you end up embittered and creating web sites called “relationshit.com” when you only ever viewed the opposite sex as a vehicle from whom you can get something, be it sex, marriage, money or status. Seems to me at some point that is going to break down. Seems to me it will break down particularly poorly for one or the other when you start a relationship with sex. But hey–they call me “old-fashioned” while muttering about stealing women’s rights…and baking cookies….while barefoot and pregnant….
Anyhoodle, this quote from the article:
As the disenchanted SYM sees it, then, resistance to settling down is a rational response to a dating environment designed and ruled by women with only their own interests in mind. “Men see all of this, and wonder if it’s really worth risking all in the name of ‘romance’ and ‘growing up,’ ” a correspondent who calls himself Wytchfinde explains. “After all, if women can be hedonistic and change the rules in midstream when it suits them, why shouldn’t men? Why should men be responsible when women refuse to look into the mirror at their own lack of accountability?”
reminded me of a personal exchange I had with a guy I worked with once. He made it clear if I ever repeated this, he’d deny it. He said something like this: “If marriage means being constrained in manners x, y and z and you still have to eat Mister Noodles every night, then what’s the point?” And I see his point.
But then is his deal that his significant other ought to care for him through good cooking? Who doesn’t like good cooking, I ask you? Mmm, mm. Back to my point. Which is that people do not equal a vehicle to fulfill yourself.
People=relationships=hard and messy, sometimes AND good times other times. It’s either/or almost all the time.
(I’d like to dedicate this stream of consciousness to Véronique.)
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Brigitte can out-old-fashion Andrea: It’s the old ‘why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free’ thing. Except nowadays guys don’t even have to live with girls – heck, they don’t even need to be ‘in a relationship’ – isn’t that what they call friends with benefits? Free milk on demand?. And the girls are drilled to believe giving it all away in exchange for nothing is ‘liberating’. Pfshaw. I wouldn’t say we’re lacking societal norms. I’d say we got societal norms that stink. Both for men and women. I’m told boys are enjoying themselves. But men are about as disappointed with these newish norms as women are.
by 
‘why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free’
Of all the funny things, I’ve been married since August and I won’t even be living with my husband until March (I live in Seattle, WA, he lives in Victoria, BC and is in the navy and there’s little point in me immigrating there when he’s not even around) so until then it’s just been weekend visits . . . talk about a good guy. 😉 He bought the cow and still doesn’t get the milk most of the time!
Um. That sounded weird.
But I’d like to think that there are other men out there who are good guys like that.
To some extent, you get what you deserve.
An extreme example of how things are backwards is if you consider what is happening in the lounge scene in big cities. This is based upon independent testimonies I’ve heard, so I don’t have any studies to back this up. Take it for what it’s worth. As I’m told, women use their femininity to get gifts like drinks from men, who are in turn trying to get sex from women. Apparently, the more likely a man is to spend money on her, the less likely he is to get sex from her. So these men are actually encouraged to be less generous to get more of what they want, and how convenient for them. In that niche, women’s tendency to tempt men to give gifts and yet rewarding those who do the opposite boggles my mind in its self-destruction, even when compared to the idea of giving sex for gifts in the first place. It’s also a perfect environment for men who are already jerks.
I consider that a very special case, but while there may be some extent of this in the more general population also (ie: that women are attracted to jerks, because they seem more confident), I think these SYMs who are complaining are just trying to escape their own guilt. Men simply have way too many distractions. We keep ourselves so occupied with entertainment or work that we often forget that we have only so much time to live. I think when confronted with the reality that you are wasting your life, or harming your relationship through neglect, a guy will respond very defensively and try to put the blame on someone else instead of own up to it. How little we change. Perhaps if men were more responsible for themselves, women would neither so easily take advantage of them, nor be so willing to take advantage of them.
The excuses these SYMs offer I find hard to believe. It seems more like a projection, as I’ve never met so many women who are just out to use men. I’ve met plenty of men however who have a utilitarian regard for women. Perhaps they are looking for women for the wrong reasons, and thus in the wrong places? Again, that’s their fault, not women’s. You reap what you sow.